Fishing for my heart.

-you ripped my heart out and dropped it into the vast sea-
Sunday, September 10, 2006

the end.

2 years 8 months 15 days. thats how long it lasted. wat went wrong?

maybe it just wasnt to be from the beginning.. i have faults, faults that caused us to drift apart? but is it the underlying reason? maybe i had it coming, i should have listened when i had the chance? but i did, maybe its my temper that brought abt this ending?

in the evening sun outside a train station, i really wanted to tell her im sorry and that i will try harder to be there for her. but looking back, maybe things went wrong even earlier than that. its not that i dont try.. i really did, i gave it all that i could. but things were just not right. since the 2nd week of school, things changed. yah i was busy, too busy for my own good but i tried.. gave her all the time i could afford. but she said that faithful saturday, "there are 2 kinds of girls out there. one, the kind that needs lots of personal space. two, the kind that needs their boyfriends to be around them all the time. and i belong to the second kind." pretty obvious wat she meant right?

in that very same afternoon, she said that i dont listen to her when she is telling me her feelings. well i do, its just i dont react to them very well. she said that i want to argue with her, but hey wat good do i get out of it? i do get affected too, lose my concentration and basically cant get any work done.

she said she is tired of all the arguing. i dont even blame her, im tired too. do you understand the fear? fear of making some one angry? i do.. every time we go out or even talk on the phone im worried.. worried that i would make her angry. so i have to watch every word i say, have to think through my responses. and guess wat.. it made her angry too, cos she says my responses are slow.. and she thinks that im distracted.

it was meant to be a normal saturday. one where we would go out.. walk around. but i guess there is something wrong. something wrong with me. it was a thought in my head that refused to go away.. like a shadow it hid in my mind.. never failing to let me know of its presence every once in awhile.
scene 1 : indoor settings. boy just came back with food on a tray. boy sets the tray down and places a plate in front of girl. girl takes the utensils from the tray and takes a set for herself. girl flings the rest of the utensils on the tray. boy, who is sitting opposite girl, stares in disbelief.

new school year, new friends. i was actually very glad that she made so many new friends and was getting along quite well with them. i was very worried that she would distant herself from others like she did so previously and she would not get accustomed to the new environment. but maybe in the end it wasnt such a good thing after all. she grew distant. wasnt even happy to have lunch with me. i could see her laughing away with her friends but when i came she sit down she lost all that happiness.
scene 2 : sms msg setting.
boy: where are u? im at can A now.. maybe can join u for lunch? =)
girl: im sitting near mac with my friends =>
boy: oh okay.. then never mind.. i alone so i buy liao go somewhere else to eat..
girl: okay =>

is there something wrong with me? am i really that bad? i know she was not happy with me but i tried. i even went to the extend of asking if she would be happier if i left her life. well she said: "(pause), i dont know." i think i know.. looking back i think i know the answer.

even though all has come to an end, i still miss her. as i turned my back at the train station i wanted so much to turn back and say how much i miss the old her. the one i knew so well. and now i know for sure that i really miss her, 29 hours and counting. i know its meaningless to say it but i do.. i miss her. i miss her smile, her laughter, her eyes.. i miss her. but i know it not possible. the shadow in my mind grows larger every second. and even so.. i want to tell her, "i love u dear. im sorry things turn out this way."

i pray for forgiveness from god. i pray that god will ease the pain i caused to her. i pray that the Lord will find her some one better than me who is able to take care of her and provide for her Lord. i pray that god will heal her wounds. and i pray Lord that you will guide me through this pain.

i love u dear. and i will miss you always.

now you leave me in pain
7:15 AM